


give me a break

by seongyu



Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hyungwon has a lil crush on Changkyun probably whoops, Last part is from an interview btw, M/M, Nightmares, but the hyungs love their maknae after all, changkyun is emo, it starts off sweet but it progressively gets worse, many mentions of no.mercy and related angst, they don't really get along
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8117659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seongyu/pseuds/seongyu
Summary: Changkyun is only a faint shadow of what he used to be. 
  In which Changkyun has nightmares and he's scared that it might ruin everything.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. There might be weird sentences and errors. English is not my native language. Sorry!!
> 
> Although it's supposed to be canon compliant, the characters and events might not add up to a real timeline. If chronology seems to be a problem, then I apologize. 
> 
> Some of the boys aren't as developed as the others, because it was supposed to be a cute concept before it got deep...
> 
> Knowledge about their schedule is completely derived from what I have seen in videos/interviews/other writers’ interpretations, and some of it is quite frankly made up. Just a disclaimer.

01.

It is always like this. 

Changkyun wakes up drenched in sweat, breath unsteady and hitched, letting out small involuntary moans that only stem from his fastened heart beat and splitting headache. 

He sits up, lets his hand sink into the wet mattress and retreats it immediately, wincing at the uncomfortable drops that hang from his fingertips. His shirt is equally as drenched: dark stains travel down his chest and down his back that even in the light of the dusk are visible to his blurry eyesight. Changkyun sighs and pulls the shirt over his head. He shudders at the sensation of the cold breeze hitting his dripping skin, but mostly has to shrug it off as usual. The other members like to sleep with the window open even in winter, and it's alright. It's nothing that Changkyun isn't used to. 

In the beginning, it had worried him a lot to have to share a room with other people, maybe more than it had worried him to join No.mercy. He doesn't have any siblings or close friends back home that might have had the unfortunate experience to share a room with him, so it's not like he's had any feedback before. He thought that the stress would make the dreams worse, that he would get thrown out of the competition before he even started, that they would reprimand him for not filling in the ‘health issues’ box on the survey. And somehow, as if his prayers had been answered, his dreams were few in number: maybe one from time to time after a particularly bad day but not more than that. Seokwon had complained one or two times about him making weird noises in his sleep, but it never extended past that. It wasn't like No.Mercy gave him any space to settle into a regular sleep either way. He didn't even have time to dream anymore. 

And that's what makes it worse. Back then he told himself that he wasn't _allowed_ to have those kinds of dreams because it would freak people out: and the last thing he wanted was to add onto the negativity that the others already felt towards him. And back then, he barely had to worry about it, mostly just had to work hard every night until he collapsed on the keyboard, drool trailing down his face. Those nights, his head was blank. And he would've been thankful, if he wasn't already so damn nervous when he was awake. 

And then when he grew accustomed to having people constantly around him, waking up to a soft snore to his side, the dreams came back. It's as if his subconscious actually wanted to punish him in a way, or make up for the diminished stress and uneasiness he felt when he was awake. That was the real punishment, and Changkyun had wondered why he had even bothered to hope that, maybe, maybe he was free from those gut wrenching nightmares. Instead they changed and were molded around the events he saw when awake: the shadows faintly resembling the silhouettes of his members, grinning, taunting him. It's impossible not to recognize Jooheon’s dimples or Minhyuk’s wide grin, even when they fling forward to choke him or to stab him in the eyes. That's just the way the shadows operate: they take on the form of people he ought to trust and enhance the fear that has already been planted since childhood. And most of the time, Changkyun has to convince himself that they're just dreams, just a figment of his imagination, but sometimes he can't help but look twice at his members’ faces when they exchange glances. 

Changkyun tries his best to leave his shared room as quietly as possible, tiptoeing in the dark, perhaps stumbling over objects that the mess in their room would deem inevitable. He hears Minhyuk softly moan in his sleep, but the older doesn't wake up. He never does. Changkyun reaches the bathroom in silence, even if his heavy breathing still hasn't calmed down, leaving a trail of noise behind him. If anyone were awake it’s impossible that they wouldn't hear him, panting as if he had almost drowned in the warm, sweaty mess that his bed had become. He thinks that he would rather not return there tonight. 

He winces at the harshness of the bathroom light bulb, lets his eyes slowly get used to the tangibility of his surroundings, the defined shapes and sharp edges. He looks in the mirror and thinks that he can never get used to this sight no matter how many times he sees it; wide-eyed expression lined with the darkness of his exhausted circles, the paleness of his skin, the quivering of his lips. He tries to focus on his chest instead, watches it rise and fall perpetually and nervously, willing it to slow down with his gaze alone. It usually takes some time, but somehow he is content just standing there, alone in the early hours of the day, trying to be aware of himself. It seems to get harder and harder each day. 

A knock on the door interrupts his moment of serenity, and Changkyun almost groans. The knock is sloppy, sleep-riddled. Changkyun wonders why they wouldn't just leave him alone instead. 

“Changkyun?” It's Jooheon's voice, croaky and low from the abrupt awakening. The older boy just stands in silence when Changkyun only responds with heavy breathing and a sniffling nose. It's going to be one of those nights, huh? 

“Open the door.” Jooheon says after a while. “I need to pee.” 

Changkyun lets his grip on the sink soften up, not having noticed how strong it had been, turning his knuckles white. He tries to look at himself in the mirror one last time, but only sees the horror that is his pale face, and figures that it's not like Jooheon hasn't seen it before. He opens the door. The older boy doesn't look tired like he expected; more like he has been awake for some time. He doesn't even flinch when the light hits his eyes or when Changkyun perhaps flings the door open a bit too quickly. Jooheon eyes Changkyun up and down, and he knows that he knows. 

“Thanks.” Jooheon mumbles before disappearing in the bathroom and leaving an inexplicable silence behind as he lets Changkyun linger in the darkness. It is almost too quiet for his own liking; he cannot make out what Jooheon is doing in there, can't hear his breathing, or any other member’s breathing for that matter; he can't hear any sound of cars, can't hear the low hum of the heater. He can't even hear his own heartbeat, can't even feel it. And if Changkyun waits long enough, he is sure he can see dark shadows at the end of the hall, parading around him with familiar faces grinning at him. He closes his eyes instead, even if it really doesn't work. 

“What are you doing?” 

Changkyun hadn't even noticed when Jooheon opened the door beside him, or when he had laid his hand on Changkyun's shoulder. The older's voice was the only thing that could drag him out of the absurdity that surrounded him; the thickness of fear, impenetrable and suffocating.

“You okay?” Jooheon asks. Changkyun nods on instinct, as if that question had automated a physical response in him. He was okay, he was always okay; even when he wasn't. “You're shaking.” Jooheon concludes. His grip is strong and firm around Changkyun, he feels a big hand press against his bare back, wincing a bit at the touch, but the warmth was otherwise soothing. Both of them walk into the lounge, and they don't stop until Jooheon has propped both of them up under a blanket, legs tangled together, and Changkyun's head on his shoulder. His eyes are still closed. 

“You're so cold.” Jooheon says “Why are you walking around half naked?” His thumb runs across Changkyun's own hand that he has absentmindedly grabbed a hold of. Changkyun doesn't mind. 

“Couldn't wear it anymore.” He mumbles in response. Jooheon sighs at the answer, because he knows. It's impossible that he doesn't know. Jooheon must have woken up at the same time as Changkyun, eyes opening suddenly at the sudden scream of terror that the younger let out. He must have seen Changkyun's hunched up figure in the dark, seen the fear in his limbs. Jooheon just notices those small things when others don't. 

“You know, you don't have to hide it. We all know.” Jooheon says, almost in a whisper as if he's scared that Changkyun actually might hear him. He doesn't really know if he can speak for every single member in the group, but a good guess is that he can. It's not like Changkyun's cries go completely over their heads when he lets them out in the early hours, gasping for air as if his life depends on it. They have confronted him about it before, but those times were merely disregarded as a one-time occurrence, a result of stress and exhaustion. But by now they're pretty much used to it. And that kind of scares Jooheon. 

Changkyun only shrugs at Jooheon's statement, only takes in what he already knows. It's not about hiding it, because in such a small dorm, who could? He just wants to be left alone, doesn't want to bother the others with it. They already have enough problems on their plate as it is. 

“Would you feel better if we shared beds?” Jooheon asks bluntly this time. Changkyun lifts his head up to look at the older, towering over him like a shelter. Even in the dark he can make out his genuine eyes, the seriousness in his gaze, and although it looks so similar to the one that Changkyun sometimes sees in his dreams, it is impossibly the same thing. Jooheon is kind, soft-hearted, understanding; so different from what Changkyun first saw when they met or the facade that he put up the first few months. And for a second, Changkyun knows that he could not bother Jooheon even if he tried. 

“We won't fit.” Changkyun states blankly “Besides, I don't think you want me sweating all over you.” 

“Ew.” Jooheon laughs slightly. 

“Told you.” 

“No, I don't mind.” Jooheon says, seriousness back on his face “Really. Just crawl into my bed if you're scared.” 

Changkyun laughs at the statement, because it's not like he's scared; he's not a little kid anymore. Nonetheless, he smiles at the thought of having a person he could join when his body is shaking and his mind hazy -- just like when he used to settle in his mother’s arms as a child. He whispers something intangible but Jooheon knows it's an expression of gratitude. He hugs him tighter; doesn't care if it's weird or inappropriate. And Changkyun doesn't seem to mind either.

\---

02.

It's 2.30am when they get back to the dorms. It's not an odd occurrence for them to come back so late after dance practice , nonetheless it's something that Changkyun can never really get used to. He feels sleep stinging in his eyes and exhaustion taking over his body, yet the prospect of sleeping seems oddly repulsive. Jooheon and Minhyuk fight for the first chance to run into their shared room, yelling and shoving at each other as if they don't really need to sleep after all. Hyungwoo disappears into the shower and leaves a line of equally sweating boys waiting for their turn. Changkyun is at the end of it. Or maybe he's not. He doesn't really know. He just knows that his bed is off-limits right now. 

Kihyun emerges from the kitchen, a bowl of cereal in his hand and a glass of juice in the other. A scoff is heard from behind Changkyun and he doesn't even need to look to know that it's Hyungwon. 

“Why are you eating breakfast now?” He asks incredulously, puts on a tone as if it were actually a genuine question, but everyone knows that it's just teasing. That's essentially what Kihyun and Hyungwon’s relationship is built upon, that fundamental playfulness that Changkyun still lacks with many of the members. He promises he's not jealous.

Kihyun makes a grimace back, settles in the couch next to Changkyun who, at the sinking touch of the couch, slides next to the older boy. 

“You want some?” Kihyun asks. “I'll get you some.” 

“No! Don't taint him with your bad habits!” Hyungwon yells pointedly from the corner of the room, and Kihyun mutters something, throws a pillow. It all seems kind of hazy to Changkyun in the middle of the night like this. He briefly catches Hyungwon's grin, the crinkles of his eyes, but then the tall boy disappears from the lounge and into his room. Guess he got tired of waiting for Hyunwoo. 

“What an idiot.” Kihyun sighs “Anyways. What did you say?” He turns to Changkyun who was by now only staring dumbfounded at the empty space Hyungwon left behind. 

“What?” He says. 

“Wow. You really need sleep.” Kihyun laughs a little, but Changkyun can pinpoint the worry in his face. He always can, always could. “Guess you don't want that cereal, huh?” 

“No.” Changkyun says. “Thank you.” 

He considers getting up from the couch, going to bed and be done with it, disregard the whole nightmare thing to perhaps, _maybe_ get a good night’s sleep for once. But the warmth that has surrounded him is too overwhelming, too good to leave. And it's not like Kihyun's soothing body heat adds any relief to his considerations. 

“You should really sleep. Or at least try to.” Kihyun says before shoving yet another spoonful of cereal in his mouth. Milk drops from his lips down his chin and he struggles to wipe it up. Changkyun reaches over. 

“You should maybe try eating properly.” The hem of his hoodie absorbs the white milk and dissipates into the fabric, turning it a darker color. Kihyun shoves him lightly. 

“Shut up. Respect your elders.” There is irritation in his voice, but Kihyun still laughs. Changkyun has learned that that's just the way Kihyun is: even if he had been slightly scared of him in the beginning. Kihyun just had the kind of face that made it seem as if he didn't really care for Changkyun, that he only talked to him out of duty. He knows that's not the case anymore, because they get along pretty well, but sometimes his mind jumps back to that initial doubt and it's hard to get out of once he's there. But Changkyun likes this: the playful teasing. One day, it might resemble the one between Kihyun and Hyungwon.

Changkyun only smiles in response, lets his gaze wander a bit. When it reaches Kihyun again, he notices that he too stares mindlessly around the room, eating as if it is an automated action by now. They sit like that for a while, listens to the bustling by the bathroom, hushed voices, and the sound of falling water. It is soothing. Changkyun thinks he might fall asleep. 

He only shifts when he hears Kihyun set the bowl down onto the floor, spoon clinking softly against the white porcelain. The older nudges him. 

“Alright. Let's go to bed.” He says, rising up, almost making Changkyun whimper at the absence of his warm body. He stretches his hand toward the younger, but Changkyun shakes his head. 

“No. I think I'll stay here for a while.” 

“Why? We're up early tomorrow so you'll need the sleep.” 

“I need to shower.” Changkyun lies. Kihyun sees through it. He has a keen eye for those sorts of things. 

“Yeah right. As if you're willing to wait another hour before Hoseok is finished.” 

Silence. Changkyun has run out of lies, and doesn't really have the energy to come up with new ones. So once again, he feels the sinking weight of Kihyun's body settle next to him. He's smiling a little bit, even if it's faint. Changkyun likes that smile of his: it's gentle, motherly almost. He fools himself into thinking that Kihyun actually cares for him more than he thinks.

“I'll stay here with you then. For a little while.” 

“You don't need to. You should go to sleep.” 

“Worst case scenario I fall asleep here.” 

Changkyun watches him through half-lidded eyes, admires the soft lines of the older's face. Kihyun had always been like that, even if his feistiness sometimes got the best of him: he was sweet and caring after all, even if this is one of the few times that he get to see this. Kihyun is much more courteous around other members, acts more mature and chic towards Changkyun because he's the older one after all, and some wounds are still open and fresh. But alone like this with Kihyun… it's a good feeling. And Changkyun wants to bask in it forever, even though he knows he can't. He wishes that Kihyun could always be like this: looking out for him when he needs it. Because in this very moment, he seems to need it a lot. 

“You know that I know why you won't go to sleep right?” 

Changkyun sighs. “Yeah.” 

“Is it really that bad?”

His first instinct is to let out a helpless ‘yes, yes it is’ but he refrains himself from letting out cries of desperation like that. Such words always managed to trigger something in Kihyun and it was hard to get him back from his sporadic worrying had he already gone there. So Changkyun just stares right ahead of him, pretends to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. 

Kihyun doesn’t need to know that shadows haunt Changkyun at night. He doesn’t need to know that he always wakes up yelling from the sight of a horrific figure flying into his face, or that said face sometimes looks like distorted versions of people he knows and ought to care for: his mother, his father, his siblings, one of the members. 

A hand reaches around him, curls around his neck and brings his face closer to Kihyun's: impossibly close. So close that their foreheads are touching, and Kihyun's breath feathers Changkyun's skin, leaves warm kisses of breath that linger infinitely. Changkyun doesn't notice that he's crying until Kihyun's fingers wipes him dry again, and again, and again, because the tears won't stop falling and Changkyun won't stop shaking. He closes his eyes because he can't even look at Kihyun. Not like this. Never like this. 

It's not like his members haven’t seen him crying before. Even when they had been competitors, strangers, Changkyun had let his tears fall involuntarily and they had witnessed his sadness before they even actually cared. But it's different crying because of this: because of something that Changkyun never talks about, something he can't really handle properly. He feels weak -- and weak is the last thing he wants to be. He wants to be strong, prove that he deserved to have his name called up on stage to announce his official position in the group, wants to prove people wrong. But he can't when he can only ever let out emotions akin to weakness. 

“It's okay.” Kihyun says, a faint whisper overlapping the soft pattering of shower drops. “It's okay to cry.” His hand is drawing circles on Changkyun's arms and he tries to make out some kind of pattern, some kind of message, but there is none. There is only consolation in its purest form. 

For a second, Changkyun actually believes his words. He also believes that maybe Kihyun cares for him a whole lot after all.

When the older pulls back he's smiling, even if the sight of Changkyun shouldn't make him. The younger's gaze is downcast and something sparks in Kihyun, seeing the sadness in his eyes. He is just a boy after all, ripped from his security and comfort, and Kihyun didn't think twice of it before because in a way they all were lost boys, thrown into something bigger than themselves: Changkyun wasn't that special. But with time Kihyun had learnt that maybe the youngest was kind of special after all, not only his odd personality that blossomed at times, but in the way he walked around looking so vulnerable all the time. Kihyun had tried to suppress it before, but he had just let his affectionate instinct take over him with time. He cares for Changkyun. He cares a lot. And somehow the younger doesn't seem to know that. 

“I'm sorry.” Changkyun whispers. “I'm being ridiculous.”

“No. I just think you're tired.” 

Changkyun meets Kihyun's eyes briefly: and even if it's just for a second, for a fleeting moment, there are a thousand words that Changkyun can make out between the blinking of Kihyun's eyelids. And he finds so much comfort in the poem that it spells out. 

“Let's go to sleep.” Kihyun says. Changkyun agrees. 

“Can I stay with you?”

“Yeah.” 

And so Kihyun's arms wrap around Changkyun as they walk down the hall to Kihyun's bed. The sound of the shower has stopped and for a brief moment there is only a sweet and soft silence lingering between the walls of the dorm. And that's just how Changkyun likes it -- because he can hear Kihyun's heart beat just a little faster. 

\---

03.

Some would argue that Changkyun has been overworked, and only few would disagree. It is disheartening really, to see the boy doze off at any given moment, his eyes drifting shut before widening suddenly again. If it is rest he needs then he is not getting enough of it. 

Even at the fanmeet, where Changkyun's eyes usually light up in excitement, Minhyuk notices the dullness that surrounds him like a thick cloud. He doesn't smile as much to the fans, doesn't act his usual quirky way. Minhyuk can see it as clear as day. They probably all can. Minhyuk has learnt that fans have a keen eyes for those sorts of things, and they are so kind. They ask Changkyun if he is okay, and the boy is visibly startled by the question, only stutters out a faint ‘I’m a little bit tired, but I'm fine’ and flashes a wide smile, but that is all. Minhyuk thinks it's a shame really, that Changkyun doesn't notice that his fans care as well. 

The ride back to the hotel is painfully silent, and Minhyuk almost wants to scream in frustration. None of them try to initiate conversation, but Minhyuk figures that's what he gets for having self-proclaimed himself as the moodmaker of the group: sometimes the other members don't even try. 

Changkyun's breathing is deep and steady, and if Minhyuk hadn't paid attention he would merely have disregarded the younger, thinking that he slept just like a few others in the van. But the way he twitches slightly, shuffles in his seat, sighs loudly are signs enough: Changkyun couldn't sleep if even if he wants to. 

“You want to sleep on my shoulder?” His voice cuts through the silence and it makes some heads turn before they notice that Minhyuk hadn't been speaking to them. Hoseok sighs from the front seat and settles back into his previous position. Minhyuk lets out other encouragements, tries to convince Changkyun that he actually needs the rest and his heart hurts -- no, it breaks, when he sees the head of the younger shake in refusal. Even the stylists are struggling to hide the dark circles under his eyes, and even if they don’t do so aloud, the reprimand is nonetheless obvious. The manager himself has gone up to Changkyun, demanded that he'd sleep more, even offered a few hours off the schedule for him to sleep properly. And Changkyun will refuse every time -- insisting on his well-being, his ability to perform. And Minhyuk is scared. 

When Minhyuk first met Changkyun he probably wouldn't have cared. At the time, having an overworked competitor was nothing short of advantageous, and he would care for him out of moral reasons only. 

And now, seeing their youngest destroyed, fading from reality as it were, was terrifying, truly horrible. Minhyuk thought he'd never have to see a person like this, but there he was, hovering amongst them like an agonized ghost. Changkyun is only a faint shadow of what he used to be.

“What? You're really going to deny my offer?” Minhyuk smirks. Changkyun denies as expected. “It's really comfortable. Just ask anyone of the members and they will tell you.” 

Changkyun scoffs a little, the gesture would have been pleasing had it actually meant something. But it is a fake laugh, the one that Changkyun seems to parade a lot these days. 

“You need it.” Minhyuk tries to make his voice stern and authoritative, one that is fitting for the elder that he is supposed to be. But it mostly comes out as a plea, a prayer for Changkyun to survive. “Come on, just for a little while.” 

“Honestly, I'm fine. I'll sleep at the hotel.” 

Minhyuk knows that the other members have tuned into the conversation, save for the few who were sleeping already. Hoseok turns around again to look at the pair of them briefly: even though Minhyuk can't make out his expression in the dim light of the passing lampposts. Kihyun and Hyunwoo look away, out the window and into the darkness that has fallen around them, but Minhyuk knows that they're already listening. They always do -- especially if a certain Changkyun is involved. 

“Let's share a room okay?” Minhyuk says. “To change it up a bit.” 

It's odd because he rarely ever shares a room with someone other than Kihyun or Hyunwoo, prefers the company of people that are similar to him or know his sleep routines better than the others. Minhyuk thinks he catches Hyunwoo twitch a bit from his seat, but knows that their leader won't mind. 

“Okay.” Changkyun agrees for once. 

Even though there are two beds, propped against either side of the room, Minhyuk guides both of them towards the one near the window. He's scared that Changkyun might protest or tell him that he doesn't actually want to share a bed or anything like that (even if he should be used to Minhyuk's clinginess by now), but the younger doesn't make a sound, so Minhyuk assumes it's okay. Or perhaps, Changkyun is just too tired to say anything either way. 

“You don't mind sharing beds, right?” He whispers faintly, in case. 

“No it's alright.” The younger replies but exhaustion is so heavy in his delivery, his voice is almost coated in sleep. Although his eyes are open and his body upright it looks like he is sleeping already. Minhyuk takes it as a cue to lift the covers up and settle beneath them. 

And Changkyun really doesn't mind. He likes sharing. That is something that the members caught onto quickly. He likes to stretch over the dinner table to give one of his members a spoonful of fried rice. He likes to lean his head on someone's shoulder and holding their hand in reassurance. He likes to nuzzle up to someone in the couch whenever he gets the opportunity to and no one really complains about it. But Changkyun is a physical sharer: he likes hugs and kisses, but speaks rarely, only makes conversation if spoken to or if absolutely necessary. That makes Changkyun an odd presence, a strangeness that is sometimes difficult to get used to. 

So Changkyun wraps his arms around Minhyuk as soon as his body hits the bed, and Minhyuk just lets him. The smaller body is warm, boiling almost, but he doesn't really mind. His arms come up to greet him in a mirrored manner, embracing his breathing chest and small shoulders. 

“You're tired, huh?” Minhyuk asks. Changkyun nods on instinct. “Good. Go to sleep.” 

“You'll be here right?”

“Unless you kick me off the bed.” Minhyuk laughs and so does Changkyun, even if it's faint and almost inaudible: but it's a genuine laugh this time. “Don’t worry. I'll be right here.” 

They stay silent for a while. The silence around them has grown thick, the absence of noise strangely lulling Minhyuk into a deep slumber, but he wills himself awake, wants to make sure the younger is sleeping before him. It's happened before: Changkyun stays awake for a while after the others have gone to sleep, and when they awaken in the morning they notice he hasn't slept at all, has been staring at a wall for hours. Minhyuk wonders how he can keep himself up for hours on end, when Minhyuk himself can't even stay awake for a few more minutes.

A brief moment passes and Minhyuk can swear that Changkyun's breathing is steady and deep, can swear that finally, their youngest is sleeping soundly, safe in his elder’s arms: and Minhyuk is almost proud of it. Until Changkyun coughs slightly, shaking them both awake. 

He's trembling a bit, even if the room isn't cold at all. His body quivers like a leaf in an autumn breeze, threatening to fall from the branch it is perched upon at any given moment. Minhyuk understands that he too wills himself awake. 

“Changkyun. Are you awake?”

The younger doesn't answer but Minhyuk knows. His arms tighten around him, but Changkyun shakes himself free, turns around so that his tears face away from Minhyuk. He can feel the wetness that has pooled on the pillow that they share, and he can hear the soft sniffles that break the unspeakable silence around them. 

“Don't be embarrassed.” Minhyuk says “you're allowed to cry you know.” 

“This is so dumb.” Changkyun whimpers. 

The agonized sound makes Minhyuk's stomach turn. He has heard it before, when Changkyun thinks he and the others are sleeping, when he makes his way to the bathroom to recollect himself: small whimpers of pain and fear that only the experienced would understand. And Minhyuk feels powerless in a way -- he hates it. The members are supposed to take care of each other, make sure that they're always in a top condition to improve their performance. And take care of each other they do: Minhyuk doesn't even think that he had been this close even with his own family, had never spent so much time constantly by their side like he has with his members. 

Minhyuk's lips meet the nape of Changkyun's neck, and he doesn't pull away even if the younger shudders at the touch, or if it would actually be quite weird out of context. His arms wrap around Changkyun's small body, which isn't particularly toned -- not like Hoseok or Hyunwoo -- but is impossibly thin. Minhyuk swears he can wrap around him twice if he wants to. 

His lips graze the soft skin, feels the younger’s hair tickle his lips, and Changkyun curls into himself. Minhyuk can't really tell whether it's out of discomfort or not. 

“Do you want me to do something to help you sleep?” 

There is silence for a long while. Minhyuk prays to himself that the younger has fallen asleep, but he knows he hasn't. All he can feel is the younger sink into his embrace like a puzzle piece falling into place -- they fit perfectly. 

“No I just… It's good to have you here.” Minhyuk smiles lazily against his skin. “Is that weird?” 

“Not at all.” Minhyuk says. He had always been the clingy one either way so it didn't really matter. “Can you tell me something though?” 

Changkyun nods tentatively, is scared of the question to come but by now his sleep has gotten the best of him and doesn't truly feel as if he has a filter anymore. 

“What is it that you dream about? What is it that's so terrifying?” 

Minhyuk wonders whether the question comes out insensitive, whether it is not _actually_ in his place to ask. It's not like he would understand either way. And Changkyun stays silent for a while, the elder knows that the reluctance to tell burns strongly in him. It always had, because Changkyun is a boy of few words. 

“Shadows.” He mumbles under his breath, his voice mingling with the white noise around them. Minhyuk almost didn't hear it: and even if he did, he doesn't really get it. 

“Shadows?” He repeats. He didn't really need Changkyun to confirm it, because he had gotten the gist of it already. Shadows were a normal type of nightmare: Minhyuk thinks that he too has had one of those at least once in his lifetime. But the way Changkyun shakes at the thought makes him wonder that perhaps it is more than just that. Changkyun nods in response. 

“They're invasive. It makes it hard to sleep.” 

Minhyuk thinks about it for a while, ponders over the variety of shadows that could terrify Changkyun to the point where sleep is not even an option anymore. And it stings in him -- the prospect of the younger being so terrified that he wakes up drenched in sweat and tears, breath heaving as if there wasn't any air left around him. It hurts. It's terrifying. Minhyuk's arms tighten around the younger until the latter protests a bit. 

“You're choking me.” 

“I'm sorry.” Silence falls. “I just want to help you, you know.” 

“By choking me?”

“Sorry.” Minhyuk's grip softens. 

“It's okay. I was kidding.” 

Once again Minhyuk grazes his lips over Changkyun's exposed skin. It would be deemed weird had it been any other situation, but Minhyuk thinks he can blame it on exhaustion either way. Changkyun breathes out heavily, a deep sigh that seems to originate from somewhere in his core. He doesn't seem to mind either way. 

“I'll fight the shadows if I have to.” Minhyuk states “I won't let them hurt you.” 

Changkyun laughs silently. 

“Are you my knight in shining armor?”

“Yes. For tonight.” 

Minhyuk doesn't see it but knows Changkyun is smiling. And he leans back onto Minhyuk’s lips again, feels the warmth spread on his skin once again, and it feels so calming: like an open fire that warms him up after a long day out in the snow. That's what they are: Minhyuk is fire and Changkyun is ice. 

“Thank you.” He mumbles. 

Times are rare that Changkyun says those words with absolutely nothing else hidden behind them. They're raw, genuine: and Minhyuk loves the sound of it. He responds by placing another chaste kiss on his neck. 

And for the first time in a long while, Changkyun sleeps peacefully. 

\---

04.

He can never get used to the shrilling screams that their youngest lets out sometimes. 

Hyunwoo almost drops the plate that is in his hand and the glass that is in his other, but regains balance after the screams fades into soft cries. 

He can never get used to it, but sometimes he feels like he has to. 

It's important for him, as the leader, to make sure everyone is alright. It's a responsibility that sometimes sits heavy on his shoulders: as if he's not really fit to be in that position. Sure, he's the oldest and all but sometimes he feels as if he doesn't really get people: why they act certain ways or say certain things. Instead he meets their actions with a blank expression and silent acceptance. That makes him a good leader in a way, even if he lacks some of the authority sometimes. He's not always Shownu: that is a stage name, a persona, molded to fit him the way he pleases. But sometimes, in the dorms, he is just Hyunwoo: silent maturity and awkward behavior. 

So maybe he doesn't only do it for Changkyun. Maybe he wants to prove to others, to himself, that he is fit to lead the group: he wasn't chosen for nothing after all. 

The other members left early in the morning for a change in their schedule. It is extremely rare but it happens sometimes. Hyunwoo is rarely ever home alone with Changkyun, or even alone with him at all. Most of Hyunwoo's time is occupied by other members who assert themselves in more prominent ways, making Changkyun's demure personality fade a bit in comparison. He disappears sometimes, in the other members’ shadows -- and Hyunwoo finds it hard to find him again. That's the thing with Changkyun: he’s so special and unique and yet he rarely makes his presence particularly known. He prefers operating behind the scenes, out of the spotlight. In a way, he's a bit like Hyunwoo. They have that in common. 

By the time Hyunwoo reaches Changkyun's shared room, the youngest is already sitting up in his bed, staring blankly ahead of him as if trying to remember where he is, who he is. He barely notices when Hyunwoo enters the room, illuminated by the faint light peaking through the blinds. Hyunwoo shudders when an icy breeze hits him suddenly, understanding that it comes from the open window that Minhyuk so insistently wants agape at night. He notices that Changkyun too is shuddering. 

“Changkyun.” He says, not quite sure what to follow it up with. He's just not good with things like this, can't really handle it when someone's crying or if someone's scared, missing home, exhausted. It feels as if his standard pat on the back is not enough to soothe Changkyun's terror as it is. He just stands in the doorway for a bit, waiting for Changkyun to notice him. It takes a while. 

“Oh.” He breathes out when his gaze finally rests on the eldest. That is all he says: no greeting, no smile, no acknowledgment. Hyunwoo knows that Changkyun doesn't speak much but this is quite frankly excessive. 

“Are you okay?” Of course he isn't. Hyunwoo feels stupid for even asking.

“Yeah. I'm sorry if I woke you up.”

“You didn't. I was making breakfast. Do you want some?”

The youngest nods his head after a brief moment of recollection, thinking that he has to eat at some point either way, even if the taste of food makes him want to puke. Starving to death probably isn't an option either way. He heaves himself up before Hyunwoo stops him.

“No, let me get it for you.”

The affectionate gesture had been expected even if Changkyun feels himself being selfish for anticipating it. Hyunwoo is just like that: awkward and aloof at times, but always trying his best. That's what makes him a good leader, even if he doesn't speak much or has that knack for people that other members do. It is the concern that shines the brightest in him. Just like a loving father. Changkyun can't decide whether it makes him feel thankful or guilty. Maybe both.

Hyunwoo comes back with warm tea and the determination to close that god forsaken window as soon as possible. The warm water seeps through Changkyun's chilled bones and makes him whole: he feels alive again. He focuses on Hyunwoo’s arms: how big and muscular they are, and how he can never compare to him even if he tries. If he closes his eyes he sees the shadows again, encircling him, laughing at him, hovering dangerously close to his face with a wide blinding grin, and he needs to focus on Hyunwoo. Only Hyunwoo.

They sit in silence for a while. They do most of the time. Hyunwoo only ever speaks when he has to keep a check on the other members, make sure their petty arguments don't go too far or reach unwanted heights. And Changkyun just slips into his default mode: silent and careful.

“I think you should talk about it with someone.” Hyunwoo suddenly says, breaking the silence that had settled like dust. “You can't keep it inside like this. Your health is taking a serious toll.”

He doesn't even need to specify what he's talking about, because Changkyun knows, and Hyunwoo is right. He always is: even when he isn't. And Changkyun has talked about it with someone already: with the manager, or his mom, or his members. And nothing really helps. Sometimes it's just easier to stay awake so long that when he finally falls asleep he doesn't have time to dream. 

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“It's affecting the group a lot, but most importantly, it's affecting you. So don't be sorry.” Hyunwoo's voice is low and calm as if he's purposely keeping it hushed. It wasn't like anyone was there to listen to them anyways. “Maybe you should go see a therapist.”

Changkyun scoffs. “We don't have that kind of money.”

“I'm sure the company is willing to lend you some.”

“I think I might have to drop out of the group.”

An inexplicable silence falls. That was the line Hyunwoo had waited for, that forbidden sentence that had lingered in his mind for so long, but that he hadn't had the courage to utter out loud: and now he didn't have to because Changkyun had said it instead. 

And the pain was so obvious on the younger's face, the way his head tilted down the way it always did when he was sad: the same angle that Hyunwoo had seen many times during No.mercy and the first few weeks before their debut. And it felt like they had gone back a few months in time, when they barely knew each other at all, only their names and outer appearance. That's when Hyunwoo wouldn't have cared for Changkyun that much: maybe he would have referred him to Jooheon who seemed to understand him better. But he _does_ care for Changkyun -- and the prospect of having him drop out of the group is worse than anything: worse than any elimination or loss that he might have experienced. 

“What are you talking about?”

“You don't have to be like this. I know you've thought about it too. I know that all the members have.” Changkyun sighs and there is so much weight in it: as if he's carrying all the troubles and sadness in the world on his shoulders. “I don't think it's fair for me to bring you down.”

Hyunwoo stays silent because he can't escape the sharpness of the youngest -- and it strikes him that he must have thought about this a lot. He must have gone days, weeks, months, feeling guilty and beating himself up for something that he can't ultimately control. And it hurts Hyunwoo. It hurts him a lot. 

“When the company notices that I don't perform as well,” Changkyun continues “they'll definitely kick me out. It's just a matter of time.” 

“You can't give up.” 

And Hyunwoo is right. He can't give up. Debuting in a group is what he has been chasing for years: ever since the failure of Nu’bility crushed his hopes, since his introduction to No.mercy, since he'd seen how much the other trainees had disliked him, since he was offered the chance to debut. And yet, Changkyun feels like he has to. He is so tired. 

“I don't know what to do.” Changkyun admits. 

“Tell me about them. Your dreams.” 

Changkyun meets the elder’s eyes for the first time. They're clouded in the gloom of the bedroom, only visible by the faint light that peeks through the blinds: it's a rainy day and he world is grey, wielding an armor of darkness as if it, at all costs, must mirror how Changkyun is feeling at this very moment. And Hyunwoo's eyes are kind: so full of wisdom, the brotherly affection burning bright in his core. This is the Hyunwoo that Changkyun likes the most. And he can only let out a yelp of disbelief, uncomprehending what Hyunwoo had just asked of him. 

“Your dreams.” Hyunwoo repeats “What are they about?”

The answer isn't straightforward like Changkyun wants it to be, because he doubts that Hyunwoo will understand even if he wants to. And it's not like he _can_ explain it properly either way, because it's been years since he's had the dreams and they have started to muddle up, mix into one single incoherent, intangible mess. They don't really _mean_ anything anymore: they're not rooted in some traumatic experience or stress or emotional pressure. They're just there. They're a part of him now. Even if he suspects that they're going to be the end of him eventually.

“It's hard to explain.” His voice is so low he's scared that Hyunwoo might not have heard him. “They're just… nightmares I guess.” 

“Yeah but… what kind?”

 _Shadows_ , Changkyun thinks. Just like he had explained it to Minhyuk when he had asked but it had seemed so oversimplified, and it didn't seem as if Minhyuk had understood it that time either way. 

“I don't know. It's weird.” 

Hyunwoo looks away briefly. He doesn't meet Changkyun's eyes -- can't meet them. He figures that he needs time to open up, because even though they've lived together for more than a year Changkyun is still a semi-closed book. 

“It's okay.” Hyunwoo says “You don't need to talk about it with me.” 

“That's not what I mean.” 

“As long as you talk to _someone_. Preferably someone more qualified than me.” 

He laughs, and his heart drops in relief when Changkyun does the same. Even when his face is sunken, his eyelids droopy and his face pale, the younger still manages to crack a goofy smile, the one that characterizes him, makes him odd and lovable. Hyunwoo really likes that smile. 

“Robot Shownu strikes again.” 

“Please let me live.” 

They laugh again, the sound music to their ears. It's the kind of carefreeness that their busy schedule doesn't allow often: even if they laugh a lot during shows or interviews, this feels so genuine and unscripted, a moment that can only truly be experienced in the privacy of their dorms, and Changkyun basks in it as long as he can. Hyunwoo's large arm has been flung around Changkyun, unbeknownst to the younger, because he hadn't really noticed when it happened. Hyunwoo's skin stuck to his, sticky from the dried up sweat, but he doesn't even flinch or back away in disgust. It is rare for Hyunwoo to be like this, is only mostly seen as the pillar that Minhyuk clings to affectionately, or sporting his fatherly image and setting a hand on someone's shoulder. This time is different though, because his fingers circle Changkyun's skin in a soothing matter: it seems as if it's a trait that all the members possess and maybe something that they've learnt from each other. Changkyun dares to close his eyes, is not even afraid of the shadows anymore. 

“Thank you, hyung.”

And Hyunwoo just smiles triumphantly, because he is, right then and there, witnessing Changkyun bloom like a flower, opening up to him and revealing his most intricate and deepest feelings. And maybe, just maybe, he is kind of proud of himself. 

Even if schedule continues on as usual, even if they work their hardest until they can see stars, something changes and everyone can feel it, because how could they miss it? Changkyun smiles a lot more, although his need for sleep is painfully obvious in the way he moves or sometimes trips on his words, but they all notice how at ease he is. It is so rare that the desire to capture the moment is so strong: they all want the moment to last forever. And Changkyun turns around sometimes, flashes a soft smile in Hyunwoo's way: and the elder knows that's his way of confiding in him: showing a secret smile that few ever get to see. 

\---

05.

Sleep is for the weak. 

Or at least, that's what Hyungwon tells himself when he sits up during the nights, watching a movie, reading comics, studying his English (even if the last one is a task rarely fulfilled). He also tries to have the same mindset when he is woken up in the morning, usually by Kihyun, when sleep stings in his eyes and his body is screaming for more. It serves him right, he supposes. 

If there is someone who is intent on breaking his record of hours awake, it's Changkyun. Hyungwon is sure that the past few months have consisted of him seeing the youngest one last time on the couch, reading, writing, doing nothing at all really, before he disappears into his bed at ungodly hours. It seemed at first as if Changkyun wanted to challenge him, but Hyungwon soon learned that it wasn't the case. 

He would have been mad at Changkyun had the circumstances been different. Hyungwon rarely has sympathy for those who wake him up suddenly in the middle of the night (even if that is usually an unachievable task. What can he say, he is a heavy sleeper), but it's not the same thing with Changkyun. It doesn't count. The first time he had woken up screaming in agony, Hyungwon had admittedly not even woken up, and in the morning he had felt guilty about it -- but at the time they had all just thought it was a particularly bad dream and that was the extent of it. But it carried on for weeks, months, and it was only bearable thanks to the long gaps between the dreams. And back then, they didn't really have to talk about it properly, just shoot him an ‘Are you okay?’ from time to time and that was the end of it. But it's different now, because the dreams are more frequent, and the screams are louder and Changkyun's eyes are darker. 

Sometimes Hyungwon feels as if it is not really his responsibility. Sure, he cares for Changkyun, but he doesn't possess a parental instinct like Hyunwoo or Kihyun, nor does he understand him like Jooheon. Hell, not even Minhyuk understands him that well but his clinginess alone makes him care for their youngest. Hyungwon is just somewhere in between: good company but not a best friend. They hold hands sometimes, share a hug, or a hearty laugh, but that is the extent of their relationship. 

So when he can hear the door to their tiny apartment click shut in the middle of the night, when he can make out footsteps in the building's stairwell, there is hesitance brewing in his stomach. He doesn't _have to_ follow Changkyun outside in the middle of the night, he doesn't _need to_ force him to come back in, even if it's freezing outside, because he knows that Changkyun will be back eventually either way.

He doesn't have to, but he does either way. And for the sake of not feeling too guilty, he tells himself it's out of affection and not just curiosity. 

Hyungwon should have taken a bigger jacket, but had figured that a large scarf was enough. He knows that winters are harsh and unforgivable, especially at night, and he should know better than anyone. But instead he runs around mindlessly, trying to find Changkyun's solemn gait and hunched back: and he finds it almost immediately because it's a sight difficult to miss. He yells out his name in the light of the street lamps, and Changkyun only stops and turns around after a brief intermission, as if the sound had to travel a mile more just to reach his ears. And Hyungwon sees shadows, dark shapes, and terrifying silhouettes -- he doesn't see Changkyun's bright eyes or sharp features. In that light, he looks dull and stripped of life and it is fear-inducing. Hyungwon has to collect himself before jogging his way over to him. 

Snow has started falling from the thick grey clouds above them, in small flakes that could have been mistaken for rain if they didn't fall so slowly. When Hyungwon reaches Changkyun's side, the younger turns away, maybe out of disinterest or perhaps out of embarrassment. Something stings in Hyungwon. 

“What are you doing outside?” Changkyun asks, genuine disbelief as if he himself wasn't also standing in the streets at 3 in the morning. 

“I could ask you the same.”

“I just… Went for a walk.” He answers monotonously, and Hyungwon would have snorted had he not already been so worried about him. And he wants to scold him a bit, tell him that going for night walks isn't especially wise at the moment, but he doesn't prod any further -- the only thing worse than leaving Changkyun alone is to dig too deep. 

“Alright.” Hyungwon replies “I'll walk some of the way with you then. But just around the block okay, because it's freezing.” 

“You're not wearing a jacket.” 

“I know.” Hyungwon wraps the scarf around him a little tighter. 

“Do you want mine?” Changkyun asks, and Hyungwon shakes his head decidedly, maybe a bit too fast for his own liking. He genuinely likes Changkyun but he's really nothing more than a member, a co-worker. There is no need for them to be so lovey-dovey. 

“I just didn't expect you to go on a walk like this. I figured I'd just bring you inside again.” 

“It's okay, you can go back.” 

“Uhm no. I'm already here now so I might as well.” 

Changkyun can't really pinpoint the tone in Hyungwon's voice because he had always been someone that was hard to read. It was as if the initial disdain that began during that night when filming No.mercy hadn't really faded yet: when they had been sitting around the dinner table, stomachs full and all, and Changkyun had walked in, a nervous smile on his face. And Hyungwon had made sure that that smile had faded away, made sure to let Changkyun know what he really thought of him. It had been easy to freeze him out because he wasn't really assertive to begin with. And now Changkyun mostly knows where he stands with the other members: even with Minhyuk, who was so intent on not speaking to him at all, and was now clinging to him like a vine. It is easy with people like him who always seem to swing between two extremes, but Hyungwon is different. He hovers mostly in a gray area of indifference: he doesn't dislike Changkyun but doesn't particularly like him either. And Changkyun just thinks that the older needs time to adjust, that he will open up to him eventually as long as he stretches out his hand for him to grab. At times, he can feel Hyungwon grasp at his fingertips, metaphorically of course, but their touch usually fades away quickly. 

So even though Changkyun has a lot on his mind, even if his limbs ache and his head hurts as if split in two, he lets Hyungwon occupy his thoughts: his long limbs and slender build, and he thinks to himself that he truly is a beautiful person. Sometimes Changkyun has to refrain himself from staring at him, or blurting out cheesy comments that would only be acceptable had they actually been close. And even then it might have been inappropriate. 

“Why are you staring at me?” 

Changkyun hadn’t even noticed he did. He can pretend it's all because of exhaustion, but Hyungwon looks so glowing in the dark light, almost ethereal, and even when he wants to look away, it's hard to. 

“Sorry.” He says “I didn't mean to.” 

“It's okay, I get it. I'm simply too handsome for you to resist me.” Hyungwon kind of smiles but it disappears quickly. “But don't get any ideas.” 

“What?”

“I'm not going to date you or anything.” 

“I didn't say--”

“I thought so.” 

Silence falls and it's an awkward one. Hyungwon curses himself for saying those sorts of things because it's undeniably weird, and he can't even blame someone else because he is the one who started it all. Changkyun's gaze is lowered, because he is too scared to look at him now. Maybe there is hint of blush as well. 

“Dating would be nice though.” Hyungwon concludes suddenly. He mostly muses to himself, but says the words out loud even if he doesn't really mean to. Whatever, it's not like it's nothing he can't deny in the morning if faced with it. 

Changkyun shuffles next to him, almost trips on his feet. 

“Oh, uh… I mean, I don't think we can, they probably wouldn't allow us to.” 

“No I know they wouldn't. But it would be nice, you know?” Hyungwon laughs a bit. 

“You really want to date me?”

Hyungwon turns his head to meet Changkyun's incredulous gaze and almost turns beet red just like the younger. His face flushes and he protests loudly. 

“No, I didn't mean that we should date, you idiot. I just meant… in general, you know.” 

“Oh.” 

Silence falls again, and it manages to be even more awkward than the last one. Somewhere inside him, Hyungwon deeply regrets following Changkyun outside. And another part of him feels his heart swell up, a tingle in his stomach, and shivers down his back: and he's not sure he can blame it on the cold. 

Changkyun clams up after that. He doesn't meet Hyungwon's gaze, nor does he look at any other part of him, for that matter. The two of them walk in silence, snow settling in their dark hair and speckling it with white dots. They look the same now: hunched up, freezing, and wearing a crown of snowflakes on their heads. And Hyungwon feels something in him: a feeling that he has never experienced before, a warmth lulling in his stomach. He wonders why he hasn't felt it before, but notices that he hasn't ever looked at Changkyun properly in the past for the feeling to spark: he is short -- even though Hyungwon already knew that because Kihyun keeps teasing him about it -- but it is different seeing it up close. Changkyun's face is fairly sculpted, a long nose and sharp jawline. He wouldn't say he was exactly beautiful, because that would be the wrong word to use: maybe handsome, but discreetly so. Hyungwon wouldn't rank him highest in either looks or charisma: he doesn't actually know what Changkyun would rank the highest in. Jooheon is a better rapper than he is, and they all sort of know it, so he falls second in rapping. He is funny, admittedly so, but it's not really Hyungwon's sense of humor: he prefers Minhyuk's witty one rather than Changkyun's spurts of odd behavior and terrible puns. He is a decent dancer, Hyungwon admits to himself, but ranking him the highest would hurt his own pride too much so he doesn't. 

But Hyungwon looks at Changkyun for the first time in the same way that he would perhaps look at a painting, and although there are brush strokes he doesn't particularly fancy, the whole image is picturesque and in a way, surprisingly breathtaking. 

And a thought crosses his mind suddenly, one that he should have had since he ran out of the dorms in the middle of the night. He looks at Changkyun who waddles carefully through the thin layer of snow that has settled beneath their feet, briefly catches a glimpse of the darkness under his eyes and the exhaustion in his limbs. 

“Changkyun, can I ask you something?”

The younger barely lifts his head, but nods obediently as if he doesn't really have a choice but to hear the question either way. 

“How long have you been having those dreams of yours?” 

Hyungwon sees it again, the reluctance to share anything, the hesitation to open his mouth. It's so strange that Changkyun could be okay with touching Hyungwon the way he does, hugs and kisses and all, but is absolutely terrified of even talking to him. 

“I don't know.” He answers after a moment of contemplation. “Since I was a kid I think.” Hyungwon's eyes widen.

“That long?”

“Yeah.” Changkyun's voice grows a bit louder, a bit more confident. “But it didn't happen every night. Maybe like once a month, if I was unlucky.”

“Then that must mean you're pretty unlucky now.” Changkyun looks at Hyungwon with wonder in his eyes. “Your dreams. You have them more frequently now.” 

Changkyun lets out a hushed ‘oh’, looks down at his feet. So Hyungwon had noticed, even if he always slept through the noisiest ordeals as if he were actually dead. Hyungwon could probably sleep through the apocalypse if he wanted to. 

“Come on, you don't think I've noticed? I'm not completely clueless.” 

“No, I know that you all know. I just don't consider myself unlucky.” 

“No offense, but you kind of are.” 

“It's just part of me now, I think.” 

“You're so fake deep, it hurts.” Changkyun only knows that it's playful when he sees Hyungwon's smile. 

Hyungwon sighs, wraps the scarf around him a bit more, even if there is always that one stray bit of skin that is left exposed to the merciless frost that seems to settle adamantly on his fingertips. Changkyun shuffles himself out of his jacket but Hyungwon protests. 

“No don't. I'm fine. Besides, you're the younger one and I'm supposed to be taking care of you.” 

“But you're freezing your ass off.” 

“Hey, language.” Hyungwon smiles because he knows where Changkyun got it from. The latter also flashes a faint smile. 

They are practically back where they started at this point, recognizing the entrance to their dorms and the dark windows of their apartment: except that a light is shining through one of them, like a lone lighthouse in a dark sea. 

“Someone must be awake.” Hyungwon points out. “They probably heard us leave.” Changkyun nods in agreement. 

“We should probably hurry up and get inside before Kihyun roasts us.” 

“You think it's Kihyun?”

Changkyun nods. “I bet my money that it is.” 

“Yeah, that asshole has a motherly instinct for these kinds of things. He could probably sense you walking out of that door. He needs to protect his son after all.” Hyungwon giggles at the joke that has been made a thousand times before, but it still manages to make Changkyun chuckle in response. Maybe it's because it's Hyungwon, and maybe it's because they rarely ever share a laugh like this. 

Before they walk up the steps, Changkyun feels a hand tug at his sleeve. He hadn't even noticed that Hyungwon had fallen behind, and he figured that considering his body temperature he would probably want to get back inside as soon as possible. Yet the older pulls at Changkyun as if he wants to linger yet a bit longer. And Changkyun lets him. 

“You know.” Hyungwon says “If we weren't in the same group and if we weren't idols…” 

Silence falls, and even though it's not awkward this time, the pause is pregnant with things to say, things to anticipate. Hyungwon looks away, doesn't meet Changkyun's eyes.

“What?”

And there are a thousand things Hyungwon wants to say. He wants to apologize for the way he has treated him in the past, for the way he's dismissed Changkyun because ‘he is not important enough’, for the way that he has blocked any attempt for the younger to open up to him. And he wants to apologize that he couldn't open up today either. And most importantly, Hyungwon wants to say the truth, but he can't. 

“Nothing.” He says finally. It is anticlimactic for both of them, and he notices how Changkyun's brows furrow slightly. It doesn't matter. He wouldn't have remembered had he told him either way. “Let's go back up. I'm freezing.” 

Once back in the warmth of the dorms, Changkyun glances at Hyungwon's frostbitten body and feels guilty in a way. He hadn't asked him to come with him outside, but the thought of it almost automatically became his fault. Hyungwon stops in the hallway again, breaks abruptly to a halt and Changkyun's own body collides with his. 

“Do you want to sleep with me?” 

Changkyun's cheeks flush, even if he knows what Hyungwon actually means. He hesitates a bit before answering, because there is always room for misunderstandings with Hyungwon. 

“You don't mind?”

“As it is now, I probably need some heat.” He smiles and Changkyun tells himself to remember that. He nods in acceptance, and their heads fall to the pillow in exhaustion, the snow melting into the fabric but neither of them protest. And Hyungwon slings an arm around Changkyun, not too tight because that's not how Hyungwon is -- but tight enough so that Changkyun feels cradled in his embrace. And for a brief moment, his mind wanders to the shadows that haunt him when is least expecting it -- and they fade in comparison to how soft Hyungwon's body feels. For a brief moment, the shadows that have formed him for so long disappear along with the brightening of the sky outside their window. 

Changkyun thinks to himself that he is a night owl either way. Or maybe he says that so that he can spend more time with Hyungwon. 

(And Kihyun wasn't the one awake so Changkyun owes Hyungwon some money)

\---

06.

If Hoseok does not pay attention, he can pretend that everything is fine. 

But sometimes he slips and dark shadows fill his vision. He doesn't look away. He can't look away. It's like staring straight into death, decay, and it is tragic, heartbreaking, but utterly mesmerizing. 

That's what he thinks when he sees Changkyun: death. The boy is dying right in front of his very eyes, and there is not a single thing he can do about it. 

Hoseok was probably the last to notice. Even Hyungwon, airhead that he is, noticed before him and that sometimes makes him shake in irritation. He prides himself in being observant and sharp, having keen eyes that notice things that others don't, but that trait was taken by Kihyun before Hoseok could even give off the illusion that he had it. 

That's why he didn't become the leader of the group: there is just something that he lacks: something that Hyunwoo has that he doesn't, and no matter how many times he observes the eldest he can't grasp what it is. He has even asked Minhyuk several times (and he is actually kind of tired of the question), has asked Hyunwoo himself for advice, but there's just something that Hoseok _doesn't_ have. And maybe, he thinks, leadership is something you're born with, and he was born without it. 

And maybe it can all be traced back to Changkyun because that is really where it all started. Ever since he entered the competition, shy smiles and sad eyes and all, there's just something irking Hoseok: a nagging in the back of his head that he can't shake off no matter how hard he tries. He gets along with Changkyun pretty well, even if Hoseok didn't believe that at first. In fact he didn't really want to look at him at all, until the agency had decided to tell him to like him more. ‘Like him more’, as if he could just force himself to take a liking to someone that embodied all the injustice in this world. And it took some time for both of them to let the frost thaw and the first bonds of friendship to establish, but it did happen. And now Hoseok considers Changkyun a good member, a good colleague, and in some fleeting moments, even a good friend. They touch a lot: holding hands and leaning on each other's shoulders but it's all just for show, for the cameras. The easiest way to fool the world that they _actually_ like each other is through physical contact. He doesn't have to get along well with Changkyun or know him well enough to touch him. They're just hugs. Nothing more. 

In that moment, Hoseok sits with the rest of his members backstage, anticipating the concert to come, can even already hear some of their fans through the walls, and it gets their hearts racing a little bit faster. It's nothing that they aren't used to, but it's always a wonderful feeling. Besides, Hoseok has always wanted to be admired.

Kihyun and Minhyuk practice some of their vocals together, while Jooheon sits in one of the corners, spitting a few lines to himself, and if Hoseok hadn't known him he probably would have thought him to be crazy. At the other end of the room, Hyungwon and Hyunwoo sit on the couch, legs touching slightly, but eyes closed and mouths agape. It doesn't surprise Hoseok that Hyungwon is sleeping because he always does either way; but there is something in his stomach that tingles slightly at the sight of Hyunwoo's exhausted face, even with his full makeup on, and for a moment he tells himself that a leader should be awake right now, making sure that all the members are doing okay, that their voices are properly rested. Just like he is doing right now. 

And then he tells himself that he isn't the leader. Hyunwoo is. And Hyunwoo always knows best. 

Changkyun sits beside him. He doesn't really do anything but stare out at the room in the same manner Hoseok does: but his eyes are glazed over and he probably doesn't really pay attention to anything at all. His face is caked in makeup, but even with thick concealer and meticulously applied eyeliner, the boy still manages to look dead. A corpse, Hoseok thinks, or a ghost. 

“You ready?” Hoseok asks, in an attempt to elicit some kind of motivation from the boy, but he sits still save from the rise and fall of his rib cage and the movements of his lips. 

“Yeah.” He answers “A bit nervous though.” 

“It'll be fine. It's not even televised this time.” 

Changkyun smiles a bit at the comfort. Anything worse than having to perform in front of thousands of people with dark circles framing his eyes is to perform in front of the whole country. 

“Just do your best.” Hoseok concludes.

“You too.” 

He will. 

On stage, Hoseok kind of disappears. He thinks it's a shame that he can't really connect his brain to what is his really happening, he can't really see the audience or the other members around him, and if he hadn't known his choreography so well that it was practically etched into his limbs, he probably would have made mistakes as well. He always sort of lets Wonho come out in those moments: the sexy persona that he takes on in front of the camera or the fans, the one that he does not, cannot take back into the dorms. It would confuse him, he thinks, to have Wonho and Hoseok exist on the same plane, in the same reality. Hyunwoo has told him similar things, how Shownu is just another part of him that he brings out whenever necessary -- but Wonho isn't a part of Hoseok. Wonho is a whole different person, a separate entity. 

And he wonders if Changkyun feels the same way. If I.M and Changkyun are really just two different people, with different thoughts and personalities, a facade that is easy to maintain in front of an audience and curious spectators. I.M is cool and mysterious, a powerful rapper characterized by his deep voice and rhythmic verses. And then there's Changkyun: quiet, shy, awkward, in a severe lack of self-confidence. Hoseok thinks that there is no way the two of them are the same person. 

When the bass of the song has died out and the lights brighten up their sweaty faces, and the screams of the audience have faded, Hoseok can hear his heartbeat, fast and erratic, and if he hadn't known it was the adrenaline he would probably be scared that he's having a heart attack. 

He is separated from Changkyun by the entirety of the group, can't even see him even if he leans forward to catch a glimpse of him. He has disappeared somewhere behind Jooheon's silhouette, him being the smallest and all. And it irks him a bit that he can't look at him, determine his expression or interpret the way his body moves. He wants to know if I.M is still there, and if he isn't, who's left to take his place? 

Jooheon speaks a bit, yells when he feels like it, and the audience responds whole-heartedly. It's hard seeing the spectator’s faces: they look like distant shadows, hovering around them, wide grins on their faces. It looks a bit scary if Hoseok looks at them too fast to take in their features, as if they actually belong to another realm so distant from theirs. 

And then Hoseok feels a bit guilty because that's not how he should view his fans. 

It's all a blur. Hoseok rarely remembers small details of a concert because they all sort of muddle up into one. It's as if this whole event is recounted to him by someone else, someone who actually was there to witness it all, and Hoseok is just a second-hand spectator. At one point, his arm grazes that of Changkyun's when they end up next to each other, and he shoots him a glance, wondering that perhaps those vacant eyes are trying to piece together what is happening as well. The boy always manages to look confused no matter what he does.

And suddenly he feels something heavy weigh him down to the side, like an anchor pulling him down with it. He notices a pale hand grab his exposed arms, clutching at it as if its life depends on it -- and maybe it does, because Changkyun's face is so pale that it looks like he's seconds away from dying. It takes Hoseok a few seconds before he has realized that Changkyun has passed out, falling into Hoseok, almost making them both topple over and fall into Minhyuk like a human domino game. Luckily, Hoseok is strong (that is one thing he can pride himself in), and he catches the younger in his arms before he hits the ground.

It's all very confusing, and if Hoseok had been lost before, he was even more so now. The colored lights are still flashing, the booming music still blaring through the speakers, and some of the members are still singing and dancing because they hadn't noticed the pair. Behind them, a group of shadows emerges -- the staff -- and they lift Changkyun up as in some kind of worship, hauling him off the ground to mimic flight. Hoseok kind of just floats with them, notices how the other members have stopped dancing and all shoot worried glances their way, but the music doesn't stop, even if they all stand still, staring in awe. Minhyuk even readies himself to follow them but their manager rushes past the hoard that has gathered around Changkyun, encourages the rest of the group to keep going.

“You too, Hoseok.” He yells “Go back out there, and we’ll take care of this.” 

And Hoseok's grip on Changkyun is stronger than ever. It feels as if he can't let go of him even if he tries, his fingers frozen in the way they clutch at Changkyun's chest. And equally strong is Changkyun's hand around his biceps, nails digging into the skin, but Hoseok doesn't even flinch. He's not sure he even feels the pain. 

The manager has to drag him up from the floor. If he hadn't been so stunted already he would have protested, he would have yelled, pleading to stay by Changkyun's side, and he doesn’t even know why. Instead he watches in disbelief as the younger boy’s pale frame disappears amongst the pile of darkness that gathers on top of him, and he can do nothing else but go back on stage, and insert himself into the choreography on automation. He doesn't even mess up once. 

Changkyun is not at the dorms when they return. There is an unease that has settled amongst them since they got off stage and noticed that Changkyun was nowhere to be seen, and their second manager had rushed them to the van without even giving them space to talk. So instead of going directly to bed as they usually would, they gather in the living room without really having to tell each other.

Hyunwoo stands up when the others sit down and Hoseok figures it makes sense, because he's the leader and all. Hoseok himself stands in the doorframe, kind of separated from the others, but all eyes are turned towards him for once, and not Hyunwoo. They all look at him expectantly as if he is the one with all the power. In a way, he guesses that he is.

The manager is outside, talking with the other one on the phone. His voice is audible even from outside the window, and despite the fact that they live on the fifth floor. They have all sort of tuned out his angry voice though, because it doesn't give many clues as to what has happened. Hoseok is the one who knows it all.

Jooheon speaks first.

“Okay, can someone please tell me what the hell just happened?”

‘Someone’ as in Hoseok, he means. The latter looks around the room, and waits for silence to fall, and it does. It makes him uneasy in a way. He has always wanted the attention, but not like this

“Changkyun passed out.” He states. There isn't any point dragging it out, because Hoseok knows exactly what happened, and he knows exactly what that look on Changkyun's face was. And it strikes him that perhaps Changkyun is scared of dying like this. “That's all, really.”

“That's all? What do you mean that's all?” Hyungwon rarely raises his voice and it shows in the way the members jump in surprise at the sound. “What happened to him?”

“I'm telling you what I know, okay. He passed out and I managed to catch him.”

“Where is he now?”

“How should I know?”

Silence falls. The tension is unbearable and Hoseok finds the drama of it ridiculous. He would have scoffed, told the members off for being so dramatic, but there was a mutual understanding between them, a fear that none of them wanted to express until Hyunwoo said it out loud.

“He's thinking of dropping out of the group.”

And Hoseok knows that that is the sentence that they have all been dreading to hear, the possibility nagging at the back of their minds but that they really don't want to believe. It wasn't even about the group anymore. It wasn't about Monsta X being incomplete, or that it would tarnish their image. It wasn't about what was going to happen to their careers or the media exposure they would inevitably have. It was all about Changkyun. And it always will be. 

Hoseok remembers the first night that Changkyun joined them in the dorms. He remembers the stiff awkwardness that spread through them like an electric chain when Changkyun entered the room, until they all left one by one. He remembers how Yoonho complained the following morning about how awkward it had been to talk to him alone, and Seokwon was even more aghast at the fact that they had to share a room. And then, the two of them disappeared, leaving only Changkyun behind, and it felt severely mismatched but that was how it was. Hoseok had never been particularly nice to him: he never invited him into the conversation like Kihyun or Jooheon did, or offered him comfort when he thought he could need it. Hoseok was, apart from Hyungwon perhaps, the last person that even let Changkyun into his own space, because he never really considered him to be worthy of it anyways. 

And then, Hoseok thinks that maybe all of this is his fault. 

Changkyun doesn't return that morning either. The agency had cancelled the morning schedule just in case, but it didn't stop most of them from waking up at ungodly hours and wait for news. Even Hyungwon hauled himself out of bed and settled on the couch, nervously eyeing the door in case the handle moved.

There are only two possibilities: either Changkyun is in the hospital, connected to some machine, and sleeping peacefully; or he is sitting on a stiff chair, facing the agency's president and discussing the termination of his contract, tears falling from his eyes. Hoseok doesn't even want to consider a third possibility because it just makes his brain jump to the thought that Changkyun might be dead. 

Minhyuk and Hyunwoo talk silently in the kitchen. Hoseok thinks it reminds him of when he was a kid and his parents would sit down at the kitchen table when he has gone to sleep, thinking that he can't hear them. They sound just like his parents did: too: voices full of worry and sadness.

“Did he ever talk to you about his dreams?” It's Hyunwoo talking. Hoseok can only tell because his voice is calm and collected, and there is no way Minhyuk can produce such a calm tone.

“He mentioned bits of it. He talked about shadows. But that's all I know.” 

“He didn't tell me anything. I don't think he's talked about it much.”

“Do you think that's why he passed out? Because of his dreams?”

And the answer is so obvious that Hoseok even answers it in his own head. Changkyun passed out because he never sleeps. He stays up late every night dreading to go back to his bed because every time he does he wakes up again, drenched in sweat and screaming his lungs out. That's not a way to live, Hoseok thinks. And maybe, that's what Changkyun thinks as well.

“He is exhausted. He rarely ever slept at all. He needs to rest well before he comes back.”

If he even comes back at all.

The manager tells them that Changkyun is in a hospital in his hometown. That is a long way away from the rest of them, but the group figures it's probably for the best. 

“He's with his mother. She knows how to deal with this.” The manager says. They all know what he means by that. 

And as days pass, Hoseok feels guilt grow like a tumor at the back of his head and he can't help but think that he should have done more. He could have done more. They all could have, because they all knew about it, but they never did anything. Maybe they're all cowards. Maybe they're all scared to face things that really matter. When Hoseok goes to sleep he hears Hyungwon shift in his bed, unable to let slumber take him in. And it's so rare that they huddle up together, bodies side by side. If Hoseok tries hard enough he can imagine that Hyungwon is actually Changkyun, breath steady and sleep free from any sort of dreams. 

\---

07.

Changkyun thinks he is dead. There's no other explanation as to why his mother is standing over him with a worried smile. He thinks that if this is heaven it doesn't really matter if he's dead.

But he's not dead. The sound of the monitor next to him drags him back to face reality, and he is very much alive. His limbs ache, his head is thumping, and his eyes feel heavy as if a weight has been tied to his eyelids. Even the soft caress of his mother’s hand startle him. He's not dead, but in all honesty he'd rather be.

He remembers falling into a deep slumber, and the sight of Hoseok's brown hair. He also remembers the softness of the flesh that he grabbed onto, and the strong arms that gripped his chest. And then he remembers flying, rising into the sky as if his soul was leaving his body and into a basking warmth. That was what peace was. That was what he had yearned for for so long. And then as Changkyun fully wakes up he realizes he had merely fallen asleep. 

The manager calls him at least twice a day, updates and all, and asks for Changkyun to update him in return. He mentions all the good stuff: how he needs to rest for a few days, eat properly and then he can come back to the dorms. He doesn't mention that his dreams aren't going away, that they never will. He doesn't mention that, if the agency doesn't fire him, he will quit voluntarily. 

Changkyun thinks of his members a lot. It is weird, he thinks, that he barely even knows these people, could merely be qualified as colleagues, and yet they occupy most of his thoughts. He goes through all of their faces one by one, remembers their voices one after the other, until he does the same again in a different order. And every time he sees their faces he apologizes silently.

The worst face to see again is probably Hoseok’s. Changkyun can never get used to the duality that he expresses, happy one moment and serious the next, and it seems like Changkyun never catches his happy side. This time it's different though, because Hoseok is parading neither of his two sides and Changkyun is almost surprised: he feels as if he's never truly met him until now. 

His face just sits somewhere in between. His brows furrow as if he's irritated but his eyes are tender, brimming with a softness that comes out as tears. It's probably a sight the others are used to but Changkyun sees Hoseok vulnerable for the first time. And it strikes him that Hoseok is neither mad nor happy because he is worried.

Other faces encircle his as they sit in one of the offices at the agency, atmosphere stiff and all. There is only one way to make this whole situation worse, and that is to place them in an environment where everything actually feels more serious than it is. Or perhaps, this is the one time that the setting is actually fitting for them. Changkyun sits in the middle. They didn't really place him there, it sort of just happened naturally as they had entered the room and taken their seats. He couldn't determine whether it was supposed to be protective, like a pack of wolves protecting their youngest, or if he was actually the wolves’ prey. And it becomes even harder to know when every other second he meets someone's eyes and they're stern and hard, and Changkyun feels as if he's done something wrong. Well, he has, in a way. 

They don't say anything even though they all know that a simple conversation could lift the mood. Not even the manager pipes up. Changkyun half expected Minhyuk to try and break the ice, crack a joke and make them laugh like they usually do, but he doesn't. He's staring down into the table, bleached hair falling like a curtain to shield his eyes. Changkyun can tell there are tears but he doesn't pay too much attention to them. 

And then there's Hoseok. Out of everyone he probably stares at Changkyun the most, and the younger just wishes he would stop because it's not like he's making it better by singling him out like that. And Changkyun hates seeing his face like this: almost accusing and worrying at the same time, but the fine line between it is almost blurred. From time to time, he braves a glance in Hoseok’s direction, and every time it makes him gulp in nervousness, because Hoseok is quite imposing when he wants to be. 

Changkyun knows why they're like this, and he feels stupid for not anticipating the tension. It feels odd to be the one at fault in such a big matter, to be the center of attention. It feels odd to have the apologies stuck in your throat, no matter how much you want to let them out, spill them out on the table, because this is his fault. This is the end of Monsta X, the end of their careers and he is the only one to blame. And there's not a damn thing he can do about it. 

The president walks in through the door and they all rise in unison, but Changkyun can barely meet his eyes. He has met the man before, when he signed his contract to join the No.mercy, when the man had encouraged him to do his best and yet had warned him that if he didn't deliver he would be cut. And it's funny how Changkyun only applied those words to the competition at the time, never thought that it would extend to his debut. And there he sat, remembering the president’s every word and it was almost too ironic. 

The first half of the meeting is rather tame. The president explains how proud he is of the team, how far they've gotten and how well they've done (and Changkyun feels excluded from that). He rambles up dozens of names of people he wants to thank, as if wanting to rub salt in Changkyun’s wounds, enumerating all the people that he would ultimately disappoint. The other members listen intently, they smile and nod at the right times, but Changkyun doesn't follow suit because he just _can't_. He can't agree with anything because he just feels as if he’s sentencing them to death, firing them from their jobs. And he feels the same way about the members: where will they end up once this is over? Where will they go? Will they continue onto other agencies, other groups? Will they just fade into nothingness once they know that all their efforts have been futile? Was No.mercy all just in vain, were all the eliminations and tears just for nothing? What about Gunhee and Seokwon, who could have debuted instead of him, who could have held the group together instead of breaking it apart?

“Changkyun.”

The voice sounds as if it is called miles away, traveling through canyons and mountains and large fields before reaching his ears. The president looks at him expectantly, awaiting an answer and Changkyun can't answer because he didn't listen to anything at all. 

A hand settles on his back. He doesn't know who it belongs to, can't look at the owner because he's scared the guilt might take over him if he does. He doesn't notice he's shaking until the same hand cradle his. 

“Changkyun.” The president repeats “The doctors told you that you needed about four days rest?” 

It sounds more like a statement rather than a question but Changkyun nods, tries to bite back a sob, because he doesn't want to sound weak or pathetic, but he figures he looks the part already. 

“Thankfully we are not in the middle of promotions anymore, so granting you those days is entirely possible. And upon further discussion it will be a paid leave. After all, your health comes first.”

At the sentence’s end, the room rumbles with sighs of relief, as if they've all been holding their breaths since the beginning of the meeting. They start to discuss amongst each other, hushed but excited. Changkyun can make out Jooheon’s soft laugh, Minhyuk’s ‘This is good. This is good right?’. And somehow it manages to make Changkyun feel even worse. 

He remembers feeling this exact same way that night when he reached the dorms for the first time during No.Mercy, only that time there were cameras documenting his misery. He is sure that if there was a camera there to record it all, he probably would have looked the same: confused, scared, agonized, because that's how he felt on the inside. It is the guilt -- the guilt of feeling as if he is ruining everything, the feeling that he will end up disappointing everyone in the end. And for a second he considers not saying anything to his members, just letting them singsong around the apartment, playfully tease each other like they used to: and Changkyun wonders how it would have been had he not been the one to debut with them, if Gunhee or Seokwon had slept in the bunk that cradled his nightmares, taken up the spot around the dinner table. He realizes it would probably have been better. He shouldn't have debuted in the first place. 

“You're awfully quiet.” Kihyun points out as he comes up behind him. 

“Sorry.” Changkyun says “I’m just a bit tired I think.” 

“Oh.” There is guilt in his eyes “Yeah, of course.” 

Changkyun thinks that Kihyun shouldn't have to feel that way. He is the one who should feel guilty after all. 

They settle in the living room because Hyunwoo wants to announce something, he says. Minhyuk sits by the table, arranging the snacks that have presumably been bought for the occasion, grin wider than usual, and it makes Changkyun both happy and irrationally saddened. 

“Is Changkyun here? Okay, good. Settle down. Shut up, Jooheon I am speaking.”

“Don't eat the snacks yet!” 

The noise dies down after a few shuffles and banters, and they look expectantly at Hyunwoo, awaiting his splendid speech. And Changkyun knows that the words are directed to him: telling him how worried they've been, that they've worked hard to be by his side, but ultimately they love their youngest member, and they're proud of him. And that is the problem. They care for him too much. Changkyun wishes that they wouldn't. 

Despite members’ insistence, Changkyun stays awake a while longer, goes outside and breathes in the chilly night air. Kihyun had nagged at him, telling him to sleep at all costs: but it wasn't even that late and Changkyun didn't want to make his sleep schedule too weird. 

And he sort of want to go outside again, after have been propped up in a hospital room for the past days, to breathe in that particular scent that only permeates in the big cities: nothing like back in his hometown. For a second he thinks that this scent is _actually_ what his real home smells like: not like the sea salt in the air or petrichor -- but like the city, smoke, fumes, pollution and all that. And he can feel the warm summer breeze roll in, soon, before he knows it, winter will turn to summer, and he can't bear to think what will happen to them, to him. He just knows that he can't really face the others. He can't tell them the truth. 

He's interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming from behind him, beating rhythmically against the asphalt as if its owner is running. He wills himself to hold back a groan, to rant and pout and tell his members that he is not a kid goddamnit and he will go to bed whenever he damn pleases. It's not like he's dying or anything.

“Kihyun, I swear I'm going to be back in fifteen minutes.” He lets out, saying it loud even if it is done unintentionally. 

“Yeah, maybe you should tell Kihyun that, not me.” 

Hoseok looks at him incredulously, offended in a way, as if he would never want to be suspected of actually _caring_ about what Changkyun did at night. Although at this point it was already too late, he supposed. 

“Oh sorry. I thought it was Kihyun.” 

“I figured. Mind if I walk with you?”

Changkyun only nods and lets the older fall into a walking pattern with him. They don't say much. They rarely do. And it's not like the silence is uncomfortable or uneasy but it just feels like there is potential for more: like Changkyun could pour his heart out to Hoseok if only they were that kind of friends. And at this point, Changkyun didn't know at all where they stood, because the older seemed to love him one moment and reprimand him the next. 

“Why are you outside?” Changkyun asks. Hoseok sighs slightly, raises his left arm to reveal the wallet in his hand. 

“Hyungwon ran out of lens solution and he's too lazy to get off his ass and buy his own.” 

“So you volunteered?”

“You don't think I can be nice sometimes, Kkukkung?” 

Changkyun laughed a bit at the nickname, thought that it sounded ridiculous but also fit him a bit too well. 

“I know you're nice, hyung.” It comes out more serious than he wants it to, and Hoseok’s smile kind of fades. 

The moonlight illuminates the way when the lampposts stop lining the street they’re walking on and it feels almost like a dream that Changkyun has had: walking alongside Hoseok, skin drenched by the pale white light, just breathing in unison without saying a word. And it feels kind of surreal: the kind of dream that Changkyun hasn't had in a very long time. If these were the kinds of dreams that he could have, then he would sleep forever. Perhaps the agency would have to force him out of bed rather than into it. When a sudden breeze hits them, Hoseok shudders a bit, clenches his hands around his arms.

“Are you cold?”

Hoseok shakes his head briefly. “No. I was just thinking about something.” 

Changkyun waits for a few seconds. “About what?” 

“About you, I guess. Since you're so curious.” 

It is fair to say that Hoseok looks stunning, that much Changkyun knows. He watches the older turn his head to meet his eyes in the darkness and there it is again: that indescribable gaze that Changkyun cannot quite figure out its meaning, the icy fire mixed up into some swirl of chilly winds that take him by storm. And his eyes suit him so well: Hoseok, the boy with stormy eyes. 

“What about me?” 

“I was thinking about how brave you are. I mean, you're pretty stupid because it's not like skipping sleep is ever going to be good for you in the long run. But it was brave.” He pauses for a bit. “Maybe not brave. But noble. It was noble of you to not want to burden us about your problems. Even if you should have.” 

“You're right.” Changkyun replies. Because he is. The members are older than him, and even if he can seem mature sometimes, he lacks some of the experience. It took him this long to realize how stupid he had actually been. 

“Of course I am. If you had told me earlier, we could maybe have avoided the incident on stage.” Changkyun's ears heat up at the thought. The words would have sounded accusing to him, if Hoseok's voice hadn't been so low and soft.

“I’m sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.”

The sentence makes Hoseok laugh a bit, and the sound is delightful. It's not mocking like it usually is, and it's not containing some hint of deprecation or pity. It's just the way Hoseok laughs when he's amused, a sound Changkyun is sure that the other members have heard countless of times before but that he's never had the privilege to experience first hand like this.

“Guess that's what lack of sleep does to you. It fucks with your head.” Hoseok sounds almost understanding. “I'm glad it's over though. We’ll go back to normal.” 

Except they won't. Because it's not like Changkyun's dreams have stopped after a visit to the hospital, it's not like a pill will miraculously cure him, even if it appeases some of the symptoms. Changkyun will always have those dreams and he doesn't quite know what to do about it. 

And he feels overwhelmed. By everything: guilt, fear, anxiety -- all the negative emotions that a human being could possibly feel. The members’ faces lighting up when they believed that it was all going to be alright again, that Changkyun was cured and ready to throw himself out into the world again, unafraid. But Changkyun is afraid. He's afraid that it's never going to stop, and they'll be stuck in a vicious cycle until it all stops. A circle that breaks isn't a circle after all. 

“Are you crying?”

Changkyun doesn't even know it himself until he reaches his hands up to wipe away at the wetness streaming down his cheeks. It must look pathetic: how he cries at every little thing, how he can't be strong enough. And it sucks that Hoseok has to be the one to see it all. 

“Don't cry. It's okay.” 

“Hoseok, I’m dropping out of the group.” 

Hoseok stiffens. They both stand still now, under the artificial light of the lamppost. “I thought we had gone through this already.” 

“I know but… I'm not going to get better. The dreams. I've had them my whole life. And I’m going to have them until I die, so there's really no point for me to continue. I can't keep up with all of you, and it's only going to slow you down.”

Hoseok is silent. 

“I will talk to the president tomorrow. And I will talk to the members too. They will understand. You understand, right?”

There is still silence between them, and Changkyun doesn't know that look on Hoseok’s face. It's not like he sees anything either way, because his vision is clouded by tears and all he can see is the broken light of the lamppost, yellow and antiquated, like old parchment or a glass of whiskey. He doesn't quite see Hoseok’s face clearly, can only feel the strong hands grab his harms, can almost feel the nails digging into his skin through the jacket. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

The words echo in Changkyun's mind. 

“Are you actually serious right now?”

Changkyun doesn't know what to do so he only nods, and it's not the answer Hoseok wants, as his grip tightens and Changkyun almost cries out in pain. 

“I can't believe you. I can't actually believe you.” Hoseok's voice is thick and Changkyun can tell he's crying as well, but more in anger than in sorrow “We’re just back to where we started. Nothing's changed.” 

“It’s not going to work out. Think about it.” 

“I am thinking about it! I've been thinking about it for weeks. We all have. We've been thinking about what happens if you leave. What happens to Monsta X. What happens to us, what happens to you. And it's the worst fucking thing and I don't want to think about it all.”

Changkyun is crying a lot. He doesn't make any sound but the tears are there, just falling like a waterfall, and he feels his soul fall as well, because it can't stand upright anymore. 

“It's kind of selfish of you, you know. Think of Kwangji, and Yoosu, and Minkyun, and Yoonho. Think of Gunhee and Seokwon who were so close to debuting and they never did. Think about how they would kill to be in your place. And you're just throwing it away because you'd rather swallow it all inside you and close up on yourself so that no one can help you. It's ridiculous. It's so dumb. You're ruining this for yourself.”

The words hit him harshly and then rise into the sky to mingle with the stars above them. Hoseok is just a blink away, a blink and the tears fall down and Changkyun can see his face again, scrunched up and reddened and Changkyun can only think that he looks beautiful either way. And to think that it's Changkyun who made him look like this is beyond any other guilt that he might have felt. It strikes him that Hoseok cares about him after all: and he never thought that he did. 

“What if I don't make it? What if they kick me out either way?” 

“They won't.” 

“How do you know?”

“Because we’ll help you.”

Hoseok's grip has softened now, and it feels as if Changkyun has lost him forever. And then the hand wanders up and cups Changkyun's face and it feels warm, cradling in Hoseok's embrace like that. He leans in, presses his body impossibly close to the older and just lets out a sigh, one that he's been longing to expel from his being, repelling all the pain and misery that he's been holding in for so long. 

“You don't hate me do you?” Changkyun asks. 

“No. I don't.” 

Hoseok could never hate Changkyun even if he tried. 

\---

08\. 

Hoseok returns wallet in hand, and Changkyun in the other. Hyungwon observes them intently, and concludes that something is missing. 

“Did you buy the lens solution?”

“You lazy ass, go buy it yourself tomorrow.” 

And Hyungwon would have scowled at him, maybe given him a push or an elbow in the stomach. But then he sees Changkyun on his way to his room, eyes tired but bright, a smile on his face, and it's been so long since he's looked like that. So Hyungwon thinks to himself that maybe it doesn't really matter after all. He's going to be fine.

They're all going to be fine. 

\---

09\. 

_Any difficulty being the youngest in the team?_

There are no hard times. I receive lots of love from the older members. Sometimes, the love can even be a bit much. 

Some hyungs express their love with actions. And others express their love with words. 

_If you could say something to the older members?_

I don't have to pick someone in particular, right?

It's not like I have any complaints, but if I have to say something…

Just give me a break.


End file.
